Shhhhh..

I've got to put this somewhere!!!!



In two months, I will put it on the other blog, but at least I have to code!!!

Holy Fuck!!!

So I am 15dpo, and still haven't gotten my period. I took a test this morning with a "rapid response" test and it was negative. But, not one to give up, I went to target tonight to get some tests for tomorrow. I tool one tonight . IT WAS POSITIVE!!!!!!!! A very very faint line, but I had peed an hour before I took that one, so it wasn't concentrated.

I will take another one in the morning. I am really hopin g to see two strong pink lines this time!!!!! I am beyond excited (and terrified!). I don't know how Pat will react, but I hope that he will be as thrilled as I am. I know he'll be terrified... mainly of finances. But I am so thrilled!!!!!

Leading a double life

Every time I write something here, I feel like I am leading a double life. I only do it becuase this blog is mostly private... anyone could stumble upon it and that's fine. But none of my friends, family, or current followers know about it, which gives me some anonymity. Which is good for things like today.

I am hoping hoping hoping that I am pregnant this month. I don't want to tell anyone this time for quite a while. Pat and I had sex Thursday, Friday and Sunday morning. SUnday should have been the day I ovulated, so we should have had great timing. I need two more days of elevated temperatures to confirm ovulation. Pretty sure I'll get those.

Oh, the dreams that I can have again... this baby would be due 3 days before Nathaniel was due. Thier birthdays would be very close together. I don't know how I'll manage that in the future. Two parties on two consecutive weekends? One of them would have to be the 4th of July weekend. I can't have this baby on the 3rd of July, because that's the date that dad died. While it would be a happy occassion then, it just doens't seem right. I'll have to make sure to mention that to the doctors.

But I am once again getting ahead of myself. I am not even pregnant yet. We wil only be trying until the end of the year. After that, we stop trying. I know where I can make sacrifices and where I can cut corners to save money. So long as Pat keeps working, everythign should work out fine. Yes it will be damn hard and I won't be able to think about taking a vacation for years (until this one is 3.) but I know that it will be worth it. I will try to wait until October 30th to test, but if I did ovulate on Sunday, then (in theeory) I could test on my birthday. Granted, that would only be 9 dpo, but possible to get a plus... I am going to really try to wait this time. Maybe because I don't want the dream to end so soon.

SO we play the waiting game again for a little bit.

And, yes, the first thing I thought of was being able to sing Christmas songs to my tummy again. I loved that with Nathaniel. It made me love Christmas even more.

Still nothing

Still waiting on either my period or a positive test. I removed some information from fertility friend, and it changed my ovulation date by quite a few days. I am ok with that. Pat and I had sex 3 days before the new O date, so there is still a very slim possibility that I could be pregnant, but honestly, I am doubtful. I'd wouldn't mind being proven wrong just this once.

We discussed this morning about trying until the end of the year to get pregnant, and I asked him to just think about it. 5 minutes laster we were in bed. OK, maybe not 5 minutes but we did have sex this morning. I kept telling him how awesome it would be for him, if we did try again. He could finish inside every time. Then, if I got pregnant, he could. And then after the baby was born, I'd be getting my tubes tied, so he could conceivably (no pun intended) finish inside for the rest of his life.

I do hope that he considers it again. Being thisclose to having a miracle has made me realize that I do want another.

All negatives

All the home pregnancy tests I have taken have been negative so far, but that could be because I took them too eearly. My suggested test date is the 27th of September. Today is the 23rd. I can't wait that long. I will test again in the morning, if not this afternoon. I really jsut want to know.

I know taht I will be more crushed than all the months we tried, just because everything looks so perfect on paper. ANd, it would have been a miracle.

I told Pat this monring what was going on, and feel relieved that he was/is so supportive. I knew he would be, but I didn't want him to freak out and wonder how the hell we were going to have two and how we'd pay for it and (and I actually said this to him) that I had tricked him somehow. It was an honest mistake and I wouldn't ahve known that I ovulated that day until at least 3 days later.

My God, there are so many spelling errors in this post. I hope it's because of pregnancy brain. :)

I hate waiting

I hate waiting. Pat and I decided not to have any more kids. Ok, he decided and I went along with it, then found peace with it, and moved on to being happy with one. Really and truly.

Well, I have been using fertility friend to chart my cycles to know when to avoid unprotected sex, so that I wouldn't get pregnant. I have been using the phone app more than the actual website. When I looked at the actual site, it turns out that I ovulated on one of the days we had sex. 4 days early. Judging by the phone app, my ovulation day was still 4 or 5 days away, so no worries. But, that is gone.

The last time this happened, in February, I wasn't sure I wanted another baby. But now I know. I want it so bad. I have so many symptoms. I am bloated, over emotional, tired, and my temps are up. I am peeing all the time too. I want it so bad!!!!!!!!!!

I am typing this here, though, so that no one will know. I haven't talked to Pat about it yet, but I will. He said that he would be happy if another one came along by God's plan, so I guess here we are... waiting to see. The earliest I can test is in 3 days, and it would be highly unlikely to be positive so early, but I know that I will not be able to wait until my suggested test day- the 27th.

I know it will be damn hard for us to take on the financial responsibility of another child, but I also know that we will find a way to do it.

I feel so different this time from what I did when I was pregnant earlier this year. I mean emotionally. I was excited, but terrified. I am just so happy for the possibility. I think it will hurt even more if I'm not, than all the other times I got a negative. I feel different not only emotionally, but physically as well. My lower abdomen is "heavy" and I am so bloated. I am hoping against hope that we can do it (or have already done it, honestly) because I really want this baby. I have already prayed for it and told it I love it, and it might not even be there.

I have already imagined how I tell everyone, too. At work, I will announce it before we leave for Winter break, by making cookies and signing the card from us and baby 2 coming in May. (I'd be dune in early June, but the c-section would be the end of May.)

For our families, I would wrap an ultrasound picture in a frame and give them that. There would have to be separate occasions for this though. If I told everyone to open it at the same time, my mom would figure it out immediately. Damn her. She's just too good at that. I'd like to "hide" it for as long as possible. Not out of shame but out of wanting a happy surprise for everyone. Kind fo like why I'm writing this here instead of my regular blog. I intend on only one person knowing, and that's Kris.

I've already looked into how much formula is and diapers (again) for newborns and babies.

crap

I have to get this out somewhere and since n one reads this blog ever or at all I can say it here. I think I am pregnant. There is a part of me that is absolutely delighted aout that but another part of me that doesn't want to be. Right now, I don't know which part is larger. Life was going so well. We finally got settled in our house. I (seriously) just finished puttin decorations up in N's playroom. If I am pg, his play room would become our bedroom, so that we'd have a bedroom for another baby. I am terrified and then I feel guilty if I think that maybe I'm not pregnant. I've had spotting for a day or 2, so I could be getting my period, but there are just oo many coincidences. I am tired, I am over emotional, I am peeing a lot. I'm not late, but I think I ovulated early. I am honestly terrified. There is NO way that we can afford another day care payment right now. I just don't know what to do.

Obviously, we wil figure it out, but right now I am just scared. Mostly for the baby's well being, My sugar is out of control, and has been for months. Granted, it was the same for N, but I don't want to go thru that again. Months and months of injecting insulin. After the baby's born, I can't take off all that time again, either. I guess all moms freak out when they find out about another one, and we aren't even that far yet. I can't test until at least Saturday. Ugh. I hate not knowing.