I hate waiting

I hate waiting. Pat and I decided not to have any more kids. Ok, he decided and I went along with it, then found peace with it, and moved on to being happy with one. Really and truly.

Well, I have been using fertility friend to chart my cycles to know when to avoid unprotected sex, so that I wouldn't get pregnant. I have been using the phone app more than the actual website. When I looked at the actual site, it turns out that I ovulated on one of the days we had sex. 4 days early. Judging by the phone app, my ovulation day was still 4 or 5 days away, so no worries. But, that is gone.

The last time this happened, in February, I wasn't sure I wanted another baby. But now I know. I want it so bad. I have so many symptoms. I am bloated, over emotional, tired, and my temps are up. I am peeing all the time too. I want it so bad!!!!!!!!!!

I am typing this here, though, so that no one will know. I haven't talked to Pat about it yet, but I will. He said that he would be happy if another one came along by God's plan, so I guess here we are... waiting to see. The earliest I can test is in 3 days, and it would be highly unlikely to be positive so early, but I know that I will not be able to wait until my suggested test day- the 27th.

I know it will be damn hard for us to take on the financial responsibility of another child, but I also know that we will find a way to do it.

I feel so different this time from what I did when I was pregnant earlier this year. I mean emotionally. I was excited, but terrified. I am just so happy for the possibility. I think it will hurt even more if I'm not, than all the other times I got a negative. I feel different not only emotionally, but physically as well. My lower abdomen is "heavy" and I am so bloated. I am hoping against hope that we can do it (or have already done it, honestly) because I really want this baby. I have already prayed for it and told it I love it, and it might not even be there.

I have already imagined how I tell everyone, too. At work, I will announce it before we leave for Winter break, by making cookies and signing the card from us and baby 2 coming in May. (I'd be dune in early June, but the c-section would be the end of May.)

For our families, I would wrap an ultrasound picture in a frame and give them that. There would have to be separate occasions for this though. If I told everyone to open it at the same time, my mom would figure it out immediately. Damn her. She's just too good at that. I'd like to "hide" it for as long as possible. Not out of shame but out of wanting a happy surprise for everyone. Kind fo like why I'm writing this here instead of my regular blog. I intend on only one person knowing, and that's Kris.

I've already looked into how much formula is and diapers (again) for newborns and babies.